Sunday, July 25, 2010

It is what it is

I go back to work tomorrow. There's so much running through my head about this right now that I'm positive this post will be pure, messy word vomit but that's where I'm at right now.

It's bittersweet. While I have enjoyed being home with my boys for the last 8 weeks I know myself well enough to know that being a stay at home mom isn't what I'm meant to do. This is in no way meant to diminish the incredibly important job that stay at home moms do so let's spare the debate, k? k. I just know that I enjoy having a job to go to during the day and that it's important to me and my saneness that I have a job. It's tough. Working all day at your job and then coming home to a second job at home as wife and mama is exhausting. Anyway, I digress. I have loved this time with my boys and it seems horrible that tomorrow I don't get to be with them all day long.

I enjoy my job well enough. I like what I do well enough but it's not really something I'm passionate about if that makes sense. But that was intentional--my family is my passion now. I know it may sound odd but when Connor was born I left the job I was passionate about and found one that simply paid the bills instead. Something that I go to, work and leave to be with my family. When I had kids, my priorities shifted in a HUGE way. I left the job that allowed me to travel, boss people around and have a fancy pants career. Now, I still have a career but it's just there as a paycheck. I'm good at my job and have zero intentions on leaving. I guess what I'm saying is that at this point in my life I work to live...I don't live to work. That's a recent adjustment for me. Recent since I had Connor. And's just multiplied by a million since Connor is getting older and Noah has arrived.

So, tomorrow I'm getting up a few minutes early so I can cuddle my boys, stop for good coffee on my way in, and remind myself how to put on makeup since I haven't done it in 8 weeks. Seriously. I'll muddle through the 8 hours and rush home to be with my three boys...jeffrey took this week off to be with them. I'll secretly wish during the day that both boys throw hissy fits all day because they miss me so much and being with dada all day just isn't quite as grand. I'll note what size picture frames are in my office so that I can bring in more pics later this week. I'll pump 3-4 times while at work because I have to, hating every moment of it. So, that's what my day tomorrow will most likely be like. But I'll get through it because that's what mom's and all parents do. They do what they can because they know it's best for their kids and themselves. I know that working is good for me and is in turn good for my boys. Working helps us pay for them to go to school where they have structured days and become the friendly, little social boys that they will forever be. So I'll keep thinking that all day and I'll be ok :)

Hope your Monday doesn't shape up to be nearly as traumatic as I'm thinkingmine will be :)


witticism here said...

Oh Lindsay. I know exactly what you are going through.

If it's any consolation, going back to work after having Cash was a little easier than Bradley because I knew what to expect. I also told everyone up front that I didn't want to talk about the baby right away. That sounds dramatic but I work with a lot of moms so they go it.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I am SO glad J was able to stay home with them this week. It's good for you because it's takes a bit off your mind, and for them because they get to be with dad.

Sending warm thoughts your way. Let me know if you need anything!

Krista said...

I know exactly what you mean. For me, I am a better mom because I also have a job away from home to go to. It's not what works best for everyone, but it's what works best for me and my family. That doesn't mean it isn't hard to leave your kids sometimes.

I'll be thinking of you today. Good luck! You can do it!